Yesterday my son Theo brought home a persuasive paper he had written in his seventh grade English class. His assignment was to convince his parents to do something; he argued we should get him a cell phone. My assignment from his teacher was to respond and seal my reply in an envelope for him to open at school today. The assignment continues with him reading and responding to my reply. This means, at last for one hour of English class, I have his attention. What an opportunity!
Regarding Cell Phones, Persuasion,
and Where Babies Come From
My boy my beautiful boy,
First, let me congratulate you on what wonderful son you are. I do recognize the lists of goodness that you include in your letter. Master violist, the Prince of Polo, the brother of brothers, the friend of friends. My gosh, if I had to trade my position in life for any other, I'd choose to be your brother and your friend. You are one of the most positively contagious people I have ever met. You keep life rolling with your wild, off-beat, obscure passions: Italian opera, Speedos, gourmet crab sauces, vinyl records, just the two of us on long Sunday drives (okay, the last one is creepy)... I see your level of commitment to your loves: the work you put into water polo, your dedication to making sure you don't miss mid-meals, the hours you spend with the viola stuck to your chin... I also see the good nature with which you approach the mundane and by no means rewarding work of life like Saturday jobs and kitchen nights; you really do whistle while you work – which really only happens in movies with dwarfs (maybe this isn't the time to tell you, but you are adopted. Mom fell in love with you at Disneyland and had to bring you home. She said, “Snow White has seven of them, surely she won't miss one...” anyhow, long story for another day – maybe a long Sunday drive, just the two of us). My point is that you have a great attitude and have no problem shouldering your fair share of work (even if it is only a wee little dwarf shoulder's worth). I think if only I had half your drive when I was a punk kid, what might I have become? But then one of the beauties of being a father is the joy of watching your children surpass you in life. I'm thrilled by thoughts of who you will become someday. My life is magnificent because as your father I get to share and celebrate your life. So, first and much more important than when you get a cell phone (because I'm sure, regardless of my response, you will get a cell phone someday), thanks for making being your dad such a pleasurable privilege. All cell phones aside, I give you my most sincere love and thanks for being such a wonderful son.
Next, sometimes in our youth (i.e. sometime shortly after puberty and before your first minivan and male patter baldness) we make the mistake of connecting money and love. But, fathers that love their kids the most aren't necessarily the fathers that put the most presents under the Christmas tree. In fact, I don't think Jesus ever even got a Christmas tree, never mind the presents (and rumor has it he had a pretty good dad). What his dad did give him was life, confidence, tools (which is a fair extrapolation considering he was a carpenter), and work to do. Incidentally, I have read his book a couple of times and I don't recall any mention of whether or not his dad ever gave him a cell phone, though it would have been handy on those construction sites far from home and considering there was no OSHA and the working conditions were likely not only harsh, but also dangerous. My point is this, my decision, because I do love you, is less about a cell phone than it is about what is best for you in the grand scale of life.
Now to the practical business of a phone. Your points are well taken and your arguments well made. Tracing the art of persuasion back to Aristotle's Rhetoric and virtually every study that has been conducted since, it all boils down to ethos, pathos and logos, and you connect well on each level. Ethos is establishing your credibility: good brother, dedicated student, honorable musician and dedicated athlete – can't argue with that. Logos is the logic of your appeal: a phone is a tool that helps you connect with your friends, allows you to report your every move to us, and in the event of an emergency you can reach us and/or we can reach you. Pathos is the emotional appeal and the story of Kade is the perfect touch. You and Alec saved his life; two boy heroes with a cell phone save their brother and friend. That's absolutely perfect persuasive technique. The flaw in all of this, dear Theo, is not with your arguments, but with you position in the equation. You are essentially a pauper before the king, and as the king I can simply argue back, “All is well in my kingdom without a phone. Next.”
But alas my lad, there is a nugget of persuasion that speaks to all, kings and paupers alike. Two words that make the world go round and these are they: revenue enhancement. Let me speak them again in less ostentatious terms: more gold! Another key to persuasion is knowing your foe and answering his needs. With all other elements in place you have my attention. Now, with proof that your proposal somehow means for me less work and more money, you have my blessing. All the other persuasions up until this point are important in preparing me to rule in your behalf; with them you have opened a window of opportunity. Now I send you back to do your work, and if you do it well, the phone is yours. From here on out, it's all about the bottom line. If in fact, you can save me money by canceling our home phone and somehow adding another phone on our plan, or if there is another plan out there that makes financial sense, show me the deal and you get a phone.
Incidentally, I do hate reducing your request to the bottom line, because all the factors you bring into your argument are much more important to me and in the grand scale of life, but part of my job as your dad is to teach you, which is mostly why this response is as long as it is, but it is also this long because right now in my life I have more words and love and maybe even wisdom than I have money.
Finally (which really is a place-holder of a word for a concept I don't believe in), if the bottom line doesn't add up in your favor, come back again. Whatever it is you really want in life is worth asking for more than once. You may not get the answer you want, but in the process you may well discover a way to get what you want. If a phone really is what you want, I'm sure we can find a way. It will likely involve work, but as you established early in your arguments, you're a strong smart worker. The fun might be that we can work together to make it happen. In the mean time, all the other family phones are at your disposal – just watch your minutes.
My boy my beautiful boy, congratulations on being the wonderful son you are. I'm so lucky to be your dad. And if I ever do seem to forget, please call me and I'm sure at the sound of your voice I'll remember.
Too life,
Dad
p.s. On the subject of black bears not really being black: I once saw a cinnamon black bear on the Salmon River and it wasn't really cinnamon or black, so stop throwing red herrings into your arguments, because red herrings aren't black bears either, except in this case they actually are, but since black bears aren't black it's impossible to be certain what color the red herrings are and they only confuse your arguments.
p.s.s. That whole part about adoption... that's where some babies come from, but not all of them. We need to go for a drive. What are you doing Sunday afternoon?
